On a side-note: I promise you, intelligent reader, that I will not use the word “Veepstakes” at any point in this post. You’re welcome.

So let’s get down to business.

For Barack Obama: He needs the whitest, plainest, most white-breadish, most boring male pick possible. That rules out Hillary, Sibelius, and others, leaving Tim Kaine, Evan Bayh, and Joe Biden.

But it won’t be Biden — Obama’s already getting Delaware no matter what, and Biden’s experience will make Obama seem hesistant about his own. So scratch that one.

And it won’t be Tim Kaine, because he looks too much like Gumby.

But seriously, Tim Kaine can’t be the guy because he has almost less experience than Obama. If you can imagine that.

So who are we left with? Oh, yeah: Evan Bayh. He’ll be the one.

For John McCain: He needs a real conservative, although he did sound pretty good — and by “good” I mean “conservative” — at the Saddleback debate. But the bad news for McCain is that there is no real conservative out there waiting to be picked. Just Mitt Romney, a guy that outspent his Presidential opponents about 10:1 and only won one state (Michigan, where his dad was governor). Not exactly a guy with a base.

So I don’t know, I guess I’ll go with Romney, but I’m thinking it might be a wildcard. Maybe someone that’s really going to excite and unite the country; someone that has a history of fighting for America against foreign combatants, and is firmly behind the concept of American dominance. That someone — is Michael Phelps.

McCain/Phelps ‘08!